Fighter.

So your back in my life..again..what am i supposed to do this time?trust you and believe you again. i mean you are trying and all but still…i dont want to get hurt..

How could i have thought that you could possibly feel something for me. How could i have thought that anyone could have had any strong feelings for me. Your miles away, thats completely impossible. You don’t care, you don’t have any feelings for me. Its all just meaningless words. How can you just throw away your words like that and not mean it. Out of every guy out there i didnt think you were like that. I keep playing that song you showed me called goodnight moon by go radio. i also just watched the video. in a way it describes us completely but its just the fairytale part. why can’t it just come true. iv been going through this crazy thing the past week trying to figure out what to do and how to change things in my life and i thought that this visit could have been something special could have changed my life in a good way. I thought that i wouldn’t keep on wondering “what if” but i would finally understand all these insane feelings I’m feeling. I guess it was just too good to be true… like always. I just wanna forget you for now. Why can’t i ? 

You told me a few days ago that im special becuase no one has ever cared about you as much as i do.. did you lie?

So I’m kind of disappointed that this isn’t going to work out. I guess i thought that just for once i could get something that i want, something that i thought i deserved. but i guess he just doesn’t care. I feel like such a fool for believing him and thinking that he could actually be a decent guy. that he actually is different from all the rest. I told my mom and sister about him which is a very difficult thing to do because i only tell them things that are important to me, things that matter to me. I guess i care about him a little too much and a little more than he cares about me. Maybe its just not meant to happen maybe God has a bigger plan for me. I truly thought that God wanted me to go. I don’t know, I’m just kind of in one of those bummed out moods. I should have never brought my hopes up. I mean i knew that things wouldn’t possibly work out but i didn’t believe it. I kind of made myself believe that its going to happen and that i would get my wish. Oh boy i need to stop living my fairytale life.

so today i have to talk to my sister about something. for the first time i feel like she won’t understand. i feel like she will look at me like I’m crazy or something. i really hope she approves and understands it from my point of view. i need her to see it from my way. i just need this. if she says ok that means i can start planning and this will become real. i really want this. I’m a fighter.. so ill fight.